I never imagined I’d be writing a post like this one. I’m sharing this scenario because it was unimaginable to me and may be to you, too.
As I have watched the news about Roy Moore and Bob Coy, I started thinking about the phenomenon of child grooming. Reading the controversial article released a torrent of memories.
Many wonder where were the wives in these situation? Why did they allow this?I thought I would share a story from the wife’s perspective:
I want to share a story about a women who married a man that was grooming a student of his for years. This was before they were married, but she now realizes she was used in his long con. She knew absolutely, nothing sexual happened, because she knew the young lady well. In fact, she was mentoring her. But, she now also realizes, she is the one he desired all along.
Looking back, she was extremely naive, which is why I’m writing this. This women wishes she had been aware of the scale, method and ferocity of child grooming. He spent time with this student, bought her gifts and treated her like she was special. He joined our church, which she also attended and became her youth leader.
The worrying truth about child grooming, however, is it’s not just the child who’s being manipulated by a predator – it can be you, the adult, as well. She realizes now that the reason he became her friend in the first place was to have access to her. You see, In order to have access to a child, a predator needs to go through their care-givers – and in such a way that they don’t arouse suspicion. The three of them were always together they enjoyed, sports, movies and church.
It’s also important to note that the perpetrator most likely won’t exhibit behaviors which would make him look like a predator. So, you can imagine our surprise when she was a senior in high school after allegedly grooming her for 4 years, he gave her a gift for valentines day. He was a man of 40. In the envelope was a proposal and a diamond ring along with a letter of his desire to have lots of children with her. Luckily, she declined and showed her the letter and returned the ring. But, not before this young women was shocked, startled and afraid. Especially, because she was innocent and blindsided by this whole revelation. She was not alone in this.
A few months later he had a major mental breakdown, which in her mind explained his bizarre proposal and behaviors. She assumed he was in a desperate situation and clinging to any life line he could find. She found herself as his medical contact as he had no one else, so she became his proxy. She sat at his bedside everyday, meeting with doctors and counselors. When he was released, She was forced to be his legal guardian, even though they were the same age. This was the only way, he could be released from the hospital after several weeks. He came to live with her and recovered for more than a year. Unfortunately, due to this women’s strong nurturing side, she let her guard down and after 2 years fell in love with this man. Thinking he was genuinely remorseful for what he had done. She chalked it all up to his mental illness. The counselors said with medication he would be fine. She believed them. He went on to attend Bible college and they were married.
As most of you can guess, this marriage did not have a happy ending, they had a marriage filled with domestic violence and lack of trust. She had learned early in her marriage, while he was at bible college he was interested in a relationship with a 19 year old girl from another country. Again, nothing inappropriate happened to this young lady, I doubt she was even aware of the situation at all. This relationship (in his head) happened at the same time he was at her home everyday as if nothing had happened. So, once again she had become an unwilling participant in his obsession with youth and the paradox of what is appropriate and what he desires.
One of the aspects that has been the most difficult for her to deal with is the realization that she was fooled by this man. Conned if you will. She felt (and still feels) like a fool.
Her life was like a virtual reality — her home like a movie set consisting of false fronts. Like the Truman show. She came out of the marriage confused, unsure of what was real and what was fabrication. She was embarrassed. Thinking, how could she have been such a fool? She had been literally sleeping with the enemy. The crime was intensified by the fact that it was carried out by the man who had sworn to love and protect her.
She hopes that writing down her thoughts will help her untangle them. She still doesn’t know how she feels or how she is supposed to feel. She is constantly reliving her many interactions with this man, hearing his voice and his laughter, remembering his every touch and facial expression — a slideshow of once pleasant images, before they were married now viewed after their marriage through a distorted lens, nightmarish and cruel.
Now the cold, hard truth sets in. She was deceived; She was played! She was led on. You see the relationship was never what she believed it to be.
It’s funny, when the dusts settles and the pain goes away, you are able to see things so clearly. She realizes now, she was used..plain and simple, by a man that wanted a relationship with someone else much much younger. I believe now this was the reason her now ex-husband became friends in the first place. She was part of the long con. She was not the one he wanted, she was the one society would approve of. No wonder he has told people, he felt pressured to marry her.
Hearing this story, I am starting to be much more educated on the subject now. After training to be an advocate for women and children. I am becoming more aware of the signs and the behavior of these men that have a mental illness and are preoccupied with young women. As parents we need to learn the signs, be aware of who our children are spending time with. Talk to your children and educate them too! We must understand that the Christian community is not immune to this phenomenon. Sometimes, I think we can be more vulnerable. In our attempt to give forgiveness and look for the best in people, we sometimes over look dangerous behaviors.
The Christian vision of manhood is men as givers, not takers. Men as self-sacrificers, not self-gratifiers.
I am dedicating my life to educating and bringing awareness to this phenomenon. I pray for her ex-husband that the Holy Spirit reveals the truth to him and his pastor. I pray he gets the help he desperately needs. She has revealed the truth as she now knows it to his pastor and the people that need to know, it is no longer her burden to bear. People need to be accountable for their actions.
In the meantime, the Lord has richly blessed her. Her kids are healthy, Godly and all either married or will be in the next several months. She is happy and fulfilled. She is happier than she has ever been. Peace reigns in her life. She no longer bears the shame of her marriage and realizes through the Lord’s help it was not her fault. Her biggest fault was being a gullible women wanting to believe the best in someone she loved.
Was she foolish to marry this man, ABSOLUTELY!
While she is no longer “in love” with her former spouse, this side of divorce. For her, divorce was the beginning of understanding that God’s love never fails, it never gives up, and it never runs out. That kind of love will never leave her.
She has learned that there is a freedom on this side of her divorce, a freedom that she was hoping for. The Lord has shed light on the darkness in her marriage and in her life.
1Cor 13:12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
For more information on the signs of Child Grooming: