As, I pleaded for the life of my son, and felt his body turn cold in my arms. I watched the life leave his eyes. My child. Was Gone.
At the time, my mind could not make sense of this trauma. I have already lost so much. I just have to walk through it. This is just the way it is.
And so, it takes time. Lots of time.
At the time, I could not pray, but I could believe. I could not pray like I used to, but I could hold onto hope. I knew deep down that my roots go deep. There was so much comfort in knowing my faith was strong. “You don’t really know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.” This realization changes you! It gives you a peace knowing you have faced the worst and your faith not only survived but grew.
My dreams and my innocence were robbed from me that day. My hopes were completely and utterly struck down. My son was born and we watched him slowly lose his ability to live. I sat at his hospital bed, traumatized, helpless. He came close to death too many times. We fought and fought and in the end we lost. I surrendered him to the Lord, knowing he loved him more than me. I realized it was not my fault. It was not God’s fault or his will. It is just a part of life, but it hurts. A lot!
I was stunned that the story of my precious son unfolded this way.
When Casey was diagnosed, I saw the battle before us, I was weak and exasperated. But I prayed for Casey and leaned into my faith. But then, after his passing, I was anchored. I forged through. Both feet on the ground. Eyes on the prize. Until…until I felt the very God I was praying to, sit down beside me. I saw Jesus sitting with me holding me.
His death changed me. Everything froze. Time stood still. It was like a slow motion movie, but it was my life.
One cannot speak into this unless they have walked this path. This territory is set before a few, and even then, they can only act as guides.
Today, I believe my words and my prayers carry weight and an authority. I believe in walking alongside others in grief, even as I myself grieve. I believe in giving a piece of my heart to others.
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
God has not promised us an easy life. Far from it! He has promised His children that he will be with us through ALL those trials. Jesus meets us in the middle of the storm to build our faith and to teach us to worship Him in truth and spirit. I can attest to this!
Suffering produces a reliance on God in the heart of the faithful. Suffering pushes others further from the Lord when their souls are unfaithful and bitter. In essence, tough times separate the wheat from the chaff. As we grow spiritually, God begins to show us His power and comfort as we go through the rough spots in life.
I have survived, and I am living life. I choose joy, I laugh, smile and act silly. I enjoy my family and friends, and I dance in my kitchen to music that is way too loud. As, his brother and sisters are starting there own families, I also cry, mourn the milestones he misses, I still miss my son and long for eternity when we will meet again.