Suffering The Loss Of A Child

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As, I pleaded for the life of my son, and felt his body turn cold in my arms. I watched the life leave his eyes. My child.  Was Gone.

At the time, my mind could not make sense of this trauma. I have already lost so much. I just have to walk through it. This is just the way it is.

And so, it takes time. Lots of time.

At the time, I could not pray, but I could believe. I could not pray like I used to, but I could hold onto hope. I knew deep down that my roots go deep.  There was so much comfort in knowing my faith was strong.  “You don’t really know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you have.”  This realization changes you!  It gives you a peace  knowing you have faced the worst and your faith not only survived but grew.

My dreams and my innocence were robbed from me that day. My hopes were completely and utterly struck down. My son was born and we watched him slowly lose his ability to live. I sat at his hospital bed, traumatized, helpless. He came close to death too many times. We fought and fought and in the end we lost. I surrendered him to the Lord, knowing he loved him more than me.  I realized it was not my fault. It was not God’s fault or his will. It is just a part of life, but it hurts.  A lot!

I was stunned that the story of my precious son unfolded this way.

When Casey was diagnosed, I saw the battle before us, I was weak and exasperated. But I prayed for Casey and leaned into my faith. But then, after his passing, I was anchored. I forged through. Both feet on the ground. Eyes on the prize. Until…until I felt the very God I was praying to, sit down beside me. I saw Jesus sitting with me holding me.

His death changed me. Everything froze. Time stood still.  It was like a slow motion movie, but it was my life.

One cannot speak into this unless they have walked this path. This territory is set before a few, and even then, they can only act as guides.

Today, I believe my words and my prayers carry weight and an authority. I believe in walking alongside others in grief, even as I myself grieve. I believe in giving a piece of my heart to others.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

God has not promised us an easy life. Far from it! He has promised His children that he will be with us through ALL those trials. Jesus meets us in the middle of the storm to build our faith and to teach us to worship Him in truth and spirit.  I can attest to this!

Suffering produces a reliance on God in the heart of the faithful. Suffering pushes others further from the Lord when their souls are unfaithful and bitter. In essence, tough times separate the wheat from the chaff. As we grow spiritually, God begins to show us His power and comfort as we go through the rough spots in life.

I have survived, and I am living life. I choose joy, I laugh, smile and act silly. I enjoy my family and friends, and I dance in my kitchen to music that is way too loud. As, his brother and sisters are starting there own families, I also cry, mourn the milestones he misses, I still miss my son and long for eternity when we will meet again.

 

 

 

 

I Would Have Despaired

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I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
14 Wait for the Lord;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord.  Psalm 27 13-14

This scripture was very special to my heart, especially during two of the hardest times of my life and the closest I came to despair.  First and most desperate time, was when I lost my son Casey to a congenital heart defect and second, when I went thru my separation and ultimate divorce.  These were both particularly dark times in my life.  Times when I felt deep despair.  The divorce was hard because I knew that it did not have to happen. I believe that with a lot of hard work and an open heart marriages can and should be saved.  But it takes two not one.

I think despair is probably one of the darkest and saddest place you could find yourself. The scary part is, that people who go there often don’t come back. The dictionary defines despair as “destitute of positive expectations.” If you’re in despair, you can’t see anything good in your life or future. You may find yourself being tempted to give up.

That is exactly, why I love the book of Psalms.  We can glean so much from David, he is such as a good example of avoiding despair.  Instead of surrendering to the darkness of despair, David’s confidence was in an unchanging God. You and I need to do the same, no matter what we are facing.

People will often say, I don’t know how she can be so strong through this . . . and How can he just keep going with everything that’s happening?

But, praise the lord we know the answer to those questions, as we look to David—we need to fix our hope on our promise-keeping God. Psalm 46:10 reminds us to “be still, and know that I am God.”   When you come to that place where you can’t do anything else, you must stand still and just believe. You may think that’s the worst possible place to be, but it’s not.  God loves it when you are there. When you can’t do anything else, we must let God do it all we need to do is fully surrender.  Otherwise we will just throw in the towel.

“We must never despair, because God is always good.” With this promise, you get to see God’s heart. Not only is He with you; not only is He sovereign and ordering the circumstances of your life, but God is also good. God’s goodness is the ultimate rescue net for all of life’s experiences.  No matter what you maybe facing, He is sufficient to rescue us, Because He is Good.

Although, we don’t know what circumstances David was facing when he wrote this psalm, but just look at his concluding statement which is full of faith. David was able to avoid despair by believing he would once again see God’s goodness. David had seen it, and he believed he would see it again. But at that very moment, he had to trust the time would come when he would again see God’s goodness. Why? Because God is good even when we can’t see it.

The reason we often lose hope is because are eyes are not on the Lord.  When our eyes are fully fixed on Him, not on the circumstances, you WILL see His goodness.  It may not be today, but we can join David in believing that we will “see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”  And that is Good Ver News!

Lord, I want to be just as transparent as David was in voicing all my fears and my anxieties to You and be as bold as he was in trusting You. I know You want to grow in me a faith that will not fail. Help me to remember that when I do falter, You won’t give up on me. Give me eyes to see Your goodness every day of my life. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

 

A Godly Woman

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A Godly woman’s strength is revealed during times of affliction. When things in life seem heavy to bear or people don’t understand how she can maintain joy and peace in God, she confesses that the “joy of the Lord is my strength”.

A Godly woman trusts in God’s word. Through prayer, she is sure that God is always faithful and trusts in Him.

A Godly woman understands and knows her purpose from God. She has spent time in prayer and studying God’s word, so, she know’s His will for her life.

Lord, make me that woman.  And guide me in that way, Behold, Thou art the potter, and I the softened clay. Encourage me where I am right; rebuke me where I’m wrong. Help me Lord, to become this kind of woman.